Archive for the 'The Onion' Category

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer’s First-Born Child

Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.
From: TheOnion
Views: 55811
2146 ratings
Time: 02:31 More in Comedy

Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him

The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.
From: TheOnion
Views: 26443
741 ratings
Time: 02:41 More in Comedy

Grover Norquist: ‘I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes’

President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
From: TheOnion
Views: 32140
1055 ratings
Time: 02:00 More in Comedy

Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.
From: TheOnion
Views: 55671
1701 ratings
Time: 02:29 More in Comedy

Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America’s Top Pick For Holiday Entertainment

The must-see hit of the holidays is a group of medieval mummers, who are going door-to-door singing old-fashioned ballads and acting out jovial plays in return for mugs of ale and gold pieces.
From: TheOnion
Views: 50717
1183 ratings
Time: 02:33 More in Comedy

Ashton Kutcher Caught Canoodling With Ancient Disc Made Of Pure Evil

Now that Demi is out of the picture, Ashton is up to his old bachelor ways, out on the town with his arms wrapped around a glowing disc hewn in the fires of hell.
From: TheOnion
Views: 64537
2354 ratings
Time: 02:31 More in Comedy

Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL – Sports Year in Review

Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing.
From: TheOnion
Views: 82795
1008 ratings
Time: 02:34 More in Comedy

Pop Star’s Single, ‘Booty Wave’, Most Likely Civilization’s Downfall

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.
From: TheOnion
Views: 420986
5866 ratings
Time: 02:36 More in Comedy

Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self

"Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins' stupid spending."
From: TheOnion
Views: 301
538 ratings
Time: 02:38 More in Comedy

Report: Nobody’s Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.
From: TheOnion
Views: 301
1320 ratings
Time: 02:44 More in Comedy

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